Lately I've been coming out to my friends and family. I wanted to talk a little bit about what that's actually like, invite your comments on it, and give you my perspective on it.
Coming out at school has been a wonderful experience. One person I told gave me a big hug and said, "I'm so happy for you!" That was not the reaction I expected. It took me aback, but it really made me feel good. I should be happy about being gay, about living my life more authentically. Other friends are very supportive and understanding. Only one person at all has said, "well you know, I used to be an alcoholic." Oh brother. It's not the same thing. But even then, he was pretty nice about the whole thing. My gay friend is the first person I told, and he had no idea. I guess I'm good at being "straight-acting" at least in public. I think that being the married Mormon guy I kind of jammed people's gaydar a bit.
Why do it? Why come out at all? I think there are a lot of reasons, but for me, even just coming out to myself and a few people, I was able to connect with these people better. Before I lived in fear of them discovering my secret, but then when I told them I was able to relate to them better. It's been an incredible thing. If I may be so bold, I believe not just telling them but coming out has made me a more compassionate, loving, patient person. I see so much good coming from being true to myself, and just have to say, to me that let's me know I'm on the right path.
This applies mostly to Mormon family and friends too, but with family and some friends, it's more complicated.
My story is different than most. I came out to my bishop, parents, my two brothers, a few friends, some teachers at school when I was 17 years old. I didn't have any major declarations or anything, but I did snuggle with my boyfriend on a choir tour, in public. So as I tell people, how many of them already know? Some but not all. A few comments are, "I know you struggled with this in High School, but I didn't know this was still a problem for you." Other people had no idea, even though they have been my friends for years. One friend however, who has known me since third grade said, "Ya, I knew that. I just didn't want to say anything to you."
When I turned 18 I chose to go back in the closet. Not only that, I tried therapy with lds therapists to try to become more heterosexual and read a number of books on how to cure myself of homosexuality. I became affiliated with Evergreen and went to their conference, read their website, got their manual. I began to see myself as having same-sex attraction rather than being gay.
A few people, including my parents and siblings, and a few friends know about this process. I told my mission president, bishops, I may have even told a mission companion. And so for a lot of them, considering that I did end up married, probably just concluded it worked. Other family members who are more progressive and don't believe in something like that (and probably didn't know the details) just thought, well he's bisexual I guess.
So my experience coming out for a 2nd time has been I'm sure different than most. It's hard to deal with this and getting divorced, but at least to my family, I want to tell them the reasons rather than lying to them
What has it been like? Well there are sort of two main different groups in my family. One are the what I'll call liberal Mormons. My sister in law, some of my extended family. They are so supportive. They are all really close to my wife, so it's hard for them in that way, but on the other hand they are totally behind me.
And then there's the other part of the family. They are super conservative and/or super orthodox. It's been very difficult. My Mom didn't take my bring gay very well when I was 17. At the time she told me I'd get AIDS and die, I'd never be happy, I'd "break her heart into a million pieces." She told me at one point that she had thought about killing herself after she found out. Ouch. So she didn't take it very well at 27 either. My Dad at 17 told me some of those things, and then tried to find a cure for me. Nowadays he's stopped that but he spouts off at me common stereotypes about homosexual relationships and tells me that he worries I'll never be happy. He tells me that while getting divorced is the best thing for my wife, it isn't for me. He doesn't want me to be lonely. He doesn't believe that monogamy exists in the gay community. He told me I could never bring a partner home, because he didn't want to explain it to my brothers and sisters. My Mom starts crying whenever I bring up anything about possibly being in a relationship with a man someday. She is terrified that I'll cut off contact with them. She tells me that I'll incur the wrath of God.
All this was terribly difficult at first. I'm building some resilience though. I know that I'm good with God, but it is hard for people to assume you are just leaving the path of salvation to rebel or something and to misjudge you.
I read a pamphlet for PFLAG. It's easy to get mad at my parents, frustrated. I am sometimes, and I think that's normal. In some ways, I think I have every right to. But I also try to understand them. They are in mourning. With my getting divorced and not having grandchildren, they are mourning the loss of who they thought I was.
My parents told my grandparents, and I've only talked to my Grandpa once. It started off well. He told me he loved me and accepted me no matter what I chose. He told me he was shocked at first. But then as I used the g word, things got a little more hectic. He asked if I was really gay or just gay in my mind. He told that God made me to be a husband and father.
Then there's my siblings. I have told 5 of 8. My brother (who is married to the liberal Mormon) has been fantastic. More understanding than I would have possibly imagined. The next one down has been a self righteous...I guess I won't swear. I had to stop talking to him for a while, because he just says the stupidest most uninformed things. My favorite was "if you read the book of Mormon every day, you won't struggle with your same sex attraction as much." I guess there's a hint of truth there. I'll be happier that I'm gay if I read the book of Mormon? Idk. There was talk in the blogosphere about boundaries a few weeks ago, he crossed all kinds of them. I've since told him he can't do that and been a lot firmer about that.
Then there are the rest of my siblings. They've been great. I don't know how or when to tell my 14 year old brother, or my 12 year old sister, or my 10 year old brother. My Mom asked me not to. But I feel like with my getting divorced, they need to know what's going on. They need to know why the ex won't be coming around for Christmas and holidays.
My family is getting to a point where they are fine with me being gay. Except for a few who are completely accepting and supportive, they aren't ok with me "acting on my feelings." It makes them upset to even think about it. So I don't know how I'll resolve that one, but I just have to live my life according to what I know to be best. It's going to be a long road ahead.
I've told a few of my cousins. The progressive wing of the family is great with this. But on the conservative side, one of them told me not to believe the lie from Satan that I can't change. I kind of was ambushed because I didn't call her to tell her, she heard I was having marital problems and wanted to know what was up. I wanted to tell her, but in hindsight, it would have been ok to wait til I was more ready.
Then there are my other Mormon friends. Well and my ex-mormon friends. The ex crowd and the non orthodox crowd is very understanding, sympathetic. For many of them, Prop 8 was the straw that broke the camels back that caused them to leave the church, so they are sympathetic and supportive. My Mormon friends are for the most part understanding. They have a hard time that I would question prophets and apostles and even think about leaving the church. They plead with me to stay. And while I'm fairly honest with them, I don't always say everything I'm thinking because I'm really just happy that they don't reject me, that they want our friendship to continue. But it's going to be different. The image they had of me is not the same as the reality of me. I suppose it never is, but this is something that's going to be hard for me and them for a while.
So what is coming out like? It's not a magic everything will be wonderful type thing. Sometimes it is. I think people should take their time with it. I firmly believe that no one should out anybody else. With some people, it's the greatest thing I've ever done. To finally share part of myself that I have hidden away and denied.
But it's stressful. Usually I feel better after telling someone, but not always. And I wish that my experience with my parents and grandparents were different. I read this pamphlet from PFLAG called "before coming out to your parents." Of course this was after the fact. I think that happens a lot. It basically says take your time and think about the best way to tell them. I recommend it to anyone.
With my Mormon friends and family, coming out has usually been difficult. It's made me upset at times. I wish sometimes that I hadn't had to get divorced and come out at about the same time. But I think in the end it will be worth it.
There are still more people to tell. And there's a lot more conversations to be had with the people I have told. But I'm learning to not take it when what they say is bigoted and wrong. I have to be an example and a light to them. It's not easy. It's hard to take something as complex as this and explain it to someone. But I'll go forward. As they say it gets better.
