About me. I'm a gay man who was married and was Mormon. This blog will chronicle my adventures in coming out and being out.
First Date
Last Friday I went on my first date with a guy since being out. For the purposes of this blog, we shall refer to him as R. R is from Mexico, speaks Spanish but also English, loves Radiohead. But let's get into the more interesting details.
Meeting someone for the first time after only talking online is quite interesting. I guess I wasn't quite prepared for the experience, but it was different to talk to someone on e-mail and see a picture than to actually meet them face to face. At first, I was unsure of what to think. But then as I got to know him, hear him talk, see how he thinks I much prefer the real R to whatever image I had of him before.
So we met for coffee. Why does the Mormon boy go on his first date with a guy to a coffee shop? I had no clue what to order. So, trying to sort of break the ice I said that I didn't know what to get, I'd never had coffee. He bought me a bottled water instead! He usually gets a certain kind, but I was going to get Chai, so he ended up ordering it and let me try some. (I bet about half of you are more concerned that I tried tea than that I'm on a date with a guy...aren't we a funny bunch?)
We talked at the table, and then on the couch. Sitting on a couch, as two men meeting for a date (me for the first time) is somewhat awkward. We certainly kept our distance! There was some shifting, some wanting to be closer but not knowing if we should.
But overall the conversation was good.
I would say it was fantastic. With a few caveats.
The context of the meeting was me telling R that I was getting divorced. So in the process of trying to explain that on a first date, I'd have to say given those parameters it was fine. But typically not first date stuff.
But you know what? I'm kind of sick and tired of hard fast rules. Like do this do that, say this not that. I don't mind having a guideline, but really we're pioneers, blazing a trail.
Then things settled into a more typical pattern of a first date. We talked about going to concerts, about bands we love, movies we liked. We stopped at 2 hours so he could go (which was good, I had plans) and voila.
We also talked about his past relationships some, and his coming out experience. Hey I just did it, so back off! WE talked about what we wanted, that we are both more the have kids someday married type guys. Boy. Y'all better vote gay marriage in, or Imma get pissed. Or move to Massachusetts. Or Iowa.
He texted me that he had fun meeting up and that I'm an awesome guy. I didnt' get it til the next day cause my memory was full! Pathetic me, I checked my e-mail at my friends house, hoping I'd get a message. Then today I sent him a message even though I hadn't read his. So then I texted him again, and then called him.
I'm making a fuss over nothing. But this was my first date, so I guess a little fuss is alright.
What else can I tell you about R? Tons. But inspite of my awkwardness here and there, it felt completely and totally natural. Like something that I should have done a long time ago and not be afraid of.
What I could do better. 1) Given my style I tend to jump around the conversation. We would typically have to come back to things. This is something I'm just noticing about myself, my interrupting. I should knock that back abit. It's ok to be a little all over the place, but probably better for the other person if I keep it in check.
2) Calling. Cell phones are bad. It's hard to know when to call, my goodness. But he or I should call each other back soon.
3) There was no kiss at the end. Probably best on a first date, but part of me wishes that yes I had gone there. He did mention coffee breath and give me gum though. He gave me a hug at the end.
We drove there separately, so I walked him out but not to his car. Slightly awkward.
So still, I am slightly awkward.
But I had an important epiphany today. I want to be Mr. Perfect and find Mr. Perfect. But even though I'm separated, even though I'm totally new to this, even though I'm slightly out of shape spiritually, physically, and emotionally, I can date as who I am. I don't need to let it all out all the time, but it is ok to date as an imperfect person, as a person in process. That's how we learn a grow.
Some of you are judgmental. Admit it. That's ok. I tend to judge myself pretty hard. Part of me wonders if I should have waited longer before doing this. Part of me wished that I didn't have to start things while I was in such a flux.
But you know. Most of me is just really really really happy. And wondering what the next move is.
My overall message is that people say all the time that gay dating is no different than straight dating. That may be true, but you know, I've only been part of mormon dating. And for the first time, I was attracted to the person sitting across from me, wondering and thinking about kissing in a way that wasn't a do I have to and how do I do this so she knows I like her. I like going out with people I am actually attracted to. It feels good. And natural and right.
Oh and he's cute. And I like him.
The difference I would say is that because you are two men, there are social norms and protocols to dating that just aren't as hard and fast. What I did was commit several faux paus talking about past relationships, etc. But you know what? I don't care. If I'm going to do this as me, I'm going to damn well enjoy myself and not be limited by someone's narrow conception of how things should be, or some game, or things like that.
Ok now the complication. My future ex-wife (we are not divorced finally in CA, it takes 6 months) is coming back this week sometime. I'm moving partly on Monday, but I wanted to sort of be here and around here while she is. But she'll basically be here two weeks. I can't just move though, I have to pack and clean anyway.
But what do I do if R calls and wants to do something? I've explained the situation for the most part, but I just want to know what to do and say while the future ex-wife is here. To the both.
Yes this is why I should have waited.
Yes our relationship is weird; she knows I met up with this guy. I haven't told her anything, and I probably won't. But it could get awkward.
Questions for fellow daters, bloggers.
So let's say I invite R to go eat somewhere. I pay then right? Or how does that work? Do you usually go dutch on dates? Who pays?
Who walks whom to whos car? Or door? Or drives? See dating isn't quite the same with two men now, is it?
Who calls who for the next step? Does it matter? I'm the more "straight acting" one, but then again, I just came out. And I just don't know if that matters in terms of all these things.
We can complain all we want about gender norms, but seriously, they have their place. But it's not so simple as one of us is the man in the relationship, one is the woman. I guess we could adopt that pattern, but I feel like I rather prefer blazing my own.
Again I feel Um I have a ton of other questions, but none of them are first date related. This feels a little like a teenage girl blog, but whatever.
